The Biggest Turkeys of 2013
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Thanksgiving is upon us and you know what that means: it's turkey time. And by that, we don't mean delicious dinner with your family: we mean a look back at the biggest cinematic stinkers of the year. These are the films you hated...and the films you just plain skipped.
By Jacob Hall -
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The "Hollywood Hubris" Award: The Lone Ranger
The ridiculously expensive ($215 million!) The Lone Rangerwas supposed to capture that Pirates of the Caribbean magic, but audiences stayed away in droves while critics decried its morbid tone and screenplay that seemed ashamed of its lead character's legendary iconography. The only people who didn't realize this was a doomed project were the people making it. -
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The "Movie That Time Forgot" Award: Paranoia
Did you know that a thriller starring Harrison Ford came out this year? You know, the one with Gary Oldman and the lesser Hemsworth? Don't worry -- you're not alone. This derivative flick was savaged by critics and rejected by audiences, leading to a total gross of only $7 million. The silver lining for everyone involved is that no one (except for Wal-mart DVD bargain bin regulars) will remember that it ever existed. -
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The "How Did You Screw This Up?" Award: The Counselor
It looked like a dream team, the kind of collaboration that would snag all of the Oscars and attract a small but tasteful audience. Ridley Scott. Cormac McCarthy. Michael Fassbender. Brad Pitt. You know, only some of the most popular, talented and respected people in the entertainment business. But this slam-dunk transformed into an air ball overnight. Too weird to win over audiences and too scattered to win over most critics, The Counselor grossed only $16 million before vanishing into thin air.
Runner-Up: Gangster Squad -
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The "Turkey That Doesn't Look Like a Turkey" Award: The Hangover Part III
On the surface, its $112 million gross doesn't look that bad...until you realize that the first film made $277 million and the second $254 million. Blame audience fatigue. Blame lingering resentment from the utterly rotten first sequel. Blame the reviews, which were harsh. Blame the film itself, which insulted its audience by embracing scope over comedy. There's no getting around it: even with that gross, the Hangover trilogy fizzled out with a whimper. -
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The "Who Did You Make This For?" Award: Jack the Giant Slayer
At some point, someone decided it was a good idea to make an epic, Lord of the Rings- style take on the story of Jack and the beanstalk. Someone then decided to funnel $195 million into its production. With its $65 million gross and critical trashing, it's not hard to see why director Bryan Singer retreated back to the safety of the X-Men franchise.
Runner-Up: Runner Runner -
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Special Jury Retirement Recommendation: Escape Plan/The Last Stand/Bullet to the Head
Are audiences finally getting tired of geriatric stars? 2013 saw the sudden stalling of Sylvester Stallone's career, with Bullet to the Head grossing a lousy $9 million. His professional rival Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't fare much better, with The Last Stand making only $12 million. Heck, even their combined might couldn't bring them in: Escape Plan stalled out at $24 million. For two guys who used to be two of the biggest movie stars on the planet, it's been a rough year.
Runner-Up: Machete Kills -
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The "Most Popular Turkey" Award: Grown-Ups 2
Not all turkeys perform poorly at the box office. Despite an abysmal 7% score on Rotten Tomatoes, Grown Ups 2 did very well with audiences, making a very strong $133 million. It may have fallen short of the original film's final gross, but you really can't argue with those numbers. It may be one of the worst-reviewed films of the year, but hey, it found an audience. Adam Sandler will work again. -
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The "Pilgrim" Award for Actor of Non-Note: Vince Vaughn for The Internship and Delivery Ma
Once upon a time, the fast-talking, snarky antics of Vince Vaughn were a genuine box office draw, but sometime between Wedding Crashers and 2013, his appeal dried up. The numbers speak for themselves. The Internship made a very poor $44 million and Delivery Man opened to a cringe-worthy $7 million this past weekend. Is Vaughn's career beyond saving? As an actor, no. As a leading man whose name and face should lead to significant box office openings, the answer may be yes. -
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Runner-Up Turkeys of the Year: R.I.P.D. and Movie 43 (TIE)
When it comes to picking the second biggest turkey of 2013, we couldn't pick between the gloriously unfunny sketch comedy flick Movie 43 and the disastrous Men in Black rip-off R.I.P.D. So we're just giving it to both of them. R.I.P.D. was the bigger financial failure with a $33 million gross against a $130 million budget, but it's tough to beat the wrongheaded (and inexplicably star-studded) Movie 43. -
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Turkey of the Year: Getaway
With a Rotten Tomatoes score of 3% and a box office haul of $10 million, this Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez Fast and Furious knock-off is the worst of both worlds. A critical and financial disaster, it was rightfully rejected by everyone with access to a movie theater, making it truly the turkey of 2013. -
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