Every Friday night, Movies.com sends cinephiles (and newlyweds) Sarah and Joe Piccirillo to see a film. Afterwards, they answer a few questions about it. Below is their discussion.
Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
Synopsis: Clary (Lily Collins) thought she was a typical teenager until an encounter with a mysterious stranger (Jamie Campbell Bower) opens her eyes to a previously unseen world inhabited by vampires, werewolves and shadow hunters. When her mother disappears, she must delve into this secret world to save her family and, eventually, herself. Based upon the novels by Cassandra Clare.
Was This a Good Date Movie?
Joe: I can’t believe you wanted to see this movie. It keeps me up at night. Why?
Sarah: I don’t know. It reminded me of Beastly or something. It seemed fun and campy and about high school. I’m sick of the superhero movies. I thought this could be fun. Like The Mummy.
Joe: Oh boy.
Sarah: I know, I know. This was totally my fault. But I actually think it was an okay date movie, in a so-bad-it’s-good kind of way.
Joe: I disagree. This is a terrible date movie. You should never take a date to see a movie where the girl has to choose between an exciting, dangerous guy and a boring, nice one. By taking her to the movie, you’re showing her you’re the boring chump. Dangerous, exciting guys don’t take dates to see fantasy vampire movies based on novels written by middle-aged women… unless they need an alibi.
Movie Adaptations of Fantasy Novels Are Hard to Follow. Did You Feel Like You Understood Everything That Was Happening?
Sarah: At first I loved that there was no prologue or backstory. But as fantastical elements like sharpie doodles, magic cups, sacred instruments, vampires, magic portals and grotesque ventriloquists piled on, I felt I was owed some general explanation.
Joe: You’re right. These sorts of vampire films work better when they try to ground everything else in reality. But, I still didn’t care. All the mystical elements are just smoke and mirrors -- the real story is about the love triangle. To me, it’s like, oh hey, there’s a demon. Great. So are you going to date the pushover or the Hansen twin? Let’s move this along. If they stopped long enough to tell an Ancient Tale of Exposition, I would have started throwing things at the screen.
What Made You Cringe?
Sarah: These teen romances are written by older women with dated fantasies. I don’t know for sure what 16-year-old girls find appealing, but I think there’s a good chance that an open silk shirt isn’t on the list.
Joe: The “dreamy” guy wore the same pair of leather pants for three days straight. I’m not sure what kind of smell that produces, but I don’t think it’s an aphrodisiac.
Sarah: How Simon was portrayed as the damsel in distress in nearly every scene. Come on, man.
Joe: The kissing scene accompanied by a song where the lyrics provide a plot synopsis. (“We’ve just met but we feel like we’ve known each other forever!”)
Sarah: Bad boy Jace’s (His name is Jace?!) quote during an argument after his first kiss with Clary: “I can’t believe how quickly you dismiss our love!”
Joe: When Jace fists a mystical portal device.
Sarah: He does it to impress her, which it clearly does.
Joe: When they revealed that Johann Sebastian Bach was a shadow hunter. I didn’t know you could do that to historical figures. “Calvin Coolidge? He’s totes a vampire.”
What Will You Be Thinking About Tomorrow?
Sarah: These fantasy movies form the foundation for girls to be chronically dissatisfied. There’s a disdain for the routine and the normal, even though that’s the future for most people.
Joe: That’s why it’s a fantasy. The authors of these books are all older, (and I assume) boring women. What’s wrong with that?
Sarah: But maintaining that fantasy means that instead of living in the moment, you’re always hoping something better is out there. That’s sooooo sad.
Joe: Everyone should be resigned to his mediocrity. Although to be fair, the message isn’t even played subtly. Humans are referred to as “mundanes.” That’s on par with Avatar’s unobtanium.
Sarah: There’s a lot of financial gain to be made from the need for teenage girls to think they’re special.
Joe: And sexual gain for their boyfriends… So if shadow hunters cast spells via tattoo doodles drawn on their skin, and there’s a limit to the number of tattoos one can have, shouldn’t they all be obese?
Sarah: Also maybe you shouldn’t waste a tattoo spell on straightening up the apartment.
Joe: That’s actually the one thing they got right about being a teenager, although I’m not sure how the spell knew where to put everything during the clean up. Does it put the dishes back unwashed?
Verdict
Joe: It’s a ridiculous movie that knows it’s ridiculous, which is all you can ask for with a film like this. I entered the theater thinking it was going to be two hours of torture. When it wasn’t, I was surprised. But I still can’t recommend this to anyone.
Sarah: I expected much more from this movie. (I don’t know why.) It was a disappointment. Skip it.
Sarah and Joe are writers/editors who live in Boston. They met in a bar and married within a year. They love to argue about early Woody Allen films and old romantic comedies. They both agree to hate musicals.
